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Dear Diary...

Steph sighs and puts her diary back down on her lap. She's watching Hana and Loo play out in front of the farmhouse. They're happily occupied with seeing who can cough the biggest fireball, and Steph is, therefore, lightly scorched. Luckily, the girls are more excited by explosions these days than by burning people, and they're now contentedly playing with each other.

Steph's smiling at them, because they're adorable. But that's all she has to smile about. The journal on her lap is still blank, and she's chewing her pen thoughtfully. (She has not yet noticed that she's chewed through the end and therefore now has a blue ink-stained lip. It's the newest fashion, bb.)

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"Nope, I dodge quick." Steph grins. "And they're really careful most of the time."

She wants him to talk about it, because he always feels better after talking things out - but not if she forces him to. Besides, how would she start that conversation, anyway? So you just set fire to your undead sister who killed people... how does that feel?

Nnnnnnnnno. She'll just be extra cuddly instead and make sure he knows she'll be here when he wants to.

"I'm on duty 'cause Dean dropped by again." Which gets a grin for all the sex Mel's probably having.

Sokka nods and accepts the extra cuddly. Steph is never really subtle about it but he never really minds. It bothers him that she's upset but she doesn't try to force him to talk and he appreciates that.

And he never minds an armful of Steph.

The reasons for her babysitting are reacted to with a sigh and an eyeroll, though. "I guess she must have seen him after I did. How long have you been watching the twins?"

How long does he have before it's safe to enter the bunker again.

"Ah, we'll give them a little longer," Steph says, grinning fondly. "She could use some unwinding."

"Unca!" shouts Loo, having spotted her hapless victim, and Hana turns and beams too. "Unca! Unca!" Then Sokka has two sturdy toddlers slamming into him and demanding attention, talking over each other excitedly and lapsing into twin every so often.

Which gives Sokka about half a second to wrinkle his nose at Mel's 'unwinding.'

Then he's in a twinpile, laughing and tossing Loo up in the air while Hana climbs up into his lap, switching them over and tossing Hana while Loo clambers up onto his shoulders and is shortly more of a jungle gym than a family member, really.

Steph thinks these shenanigans are best ever, and is perfectly content to sit and watch and tickle the occasional protruding limb.

The girls think Sokka is the best jungle gym EVER.

"Lookit me bend, Unca!" Loo demands eventually, disentangling herself and running back to the lightly scorched area where they've been practicing.

"No, mee!" Hana gives chase, climbing off Sokka's head and running so fast after Loo that she nearly falls over on her little baby butt.

"No meeeeee!"

"Meeeeeeee!"

Steph steals the opportunity to muss Sokka's hair up some more, giggling.

Sokka smirks and bats at his girlfriend's playful hands while his nieces scream at each other.

"I want to watch both of you!" he exclaims when his hair is safe again, grinning at the twins. "But I want to watch one at a time so I don't miss anything!"

He holds his arms out and nods for Hana to come to him. "C'mere, Tiny, let's let Bigger go first."

Hana beams, deciding that she's clearly getting the better deal here, and runs back to Sokka to tackle him and start trying to climb up his shoulders. Loo looks slightly pouty, but then realises that this means she gets to show off and promptly starts doing so. Complete with "HURR!" Firebending Noises.

Steph is laughing, half in and half out of Sokka's lap, and she slides down to avoid Hana's kicking legs and to watch Loo from a comfortable sprawl with her head on his legs. These are definitely the people she belongs with, the people who make her happiest, and Babs can just suck it up and deal. So there.

"It's not about me wanting you to say anything, Stephanie," Barbara continues in the same tone. "I just want to... talk. To know what you're thinking."

"We... used to be closer."

"Yeah," Steph agrees. "We used to be."

It was a while ago. And now she has friends who don't want anything of her except to be who she is, and who trust her, and haven't once told her she isn't good enough. She kind of likes that.

"The me in your world, the one who died... were you and she close?"

It wasn't a question she was expecting, not one she was prepared for. Which was why the genuine regret she felt over that, and the guilt, leaked through in her voice. "Not as close as I wish we had been."

Barbara is still convinced that that's what got Stephanie Brown killed.

"I thought it might be that," Steph says, giving her a slightly pointed look.

"Oracle ... I'm not her."

"I know." Babs almost sounds bitter. "You're still alive."

"And planning to stay that way," Steph reminds her, with a faint smile. "I've been doing all right on my own for a good two, three years now."

She doesn't need Babs and she doesn't need the Bats and she's Just. Fine. Like. This.

"Not on your own," Babs corrects. "Except, maybe, being the one who hesitates to kill."

Barbara looks at Steph and shakes her head. "It can't be easy to stick to that here."

Steph looks down for a moment, shoulders hunching slightly.

"It's hard to see why," she says quietly. "This isn't the world I know, Babs. There's no law. There's no rules. I can't just blindly obey Batman any more."

Edited 2009-05-03 01:43 (UTC)

"No," Babs agrees. "You have to make your own decisions."

Her voice grows soft. "But changing worlds doesn't mean that right and wrong change." It's not entirely clear that she's trying to convince Steph rather than herself here.

"I killed a dog," Steph says, not looking at Babs. "Almost the first thing I did when I got to this world. And the last world, we got attacked by these furry wolf creatures - wretches or something - and I killed them, too. And - I think it was right."

"The dog wasn't sentient, and I doubt the wolves were either." Barbara shakes her head. "It's different."

"They'd killed Mel's sister." She's talking about the cannibals now, of course. "They'd - Mel found her car. Remember how we were supposed to keep in touch with Erin while she was out, make sure we could protect her if she needed help?"

They're supposed to do that for everyone.

"I remember." Another one who'd fallen off the radar. Another person Babs had failed to keep alive.

"What was I supposed to tell Mel - don't go after them? Put them in prison? We don't have prisons and they'd have hurt more people if we hadn't!"

"What do you want me to say, Steph? That you did the right thing?"

Because whatever the situation, she hadn't.

Steph puts her head in her hands, face scrunched up tight.

"I don't know. I did the only thing."

"There are always options," Barbara says softly, more to herself than to Steph. "Even if we pick the wrong one. And even when we can only see the wrong one."

"I guess I had two options," Steph says, bitterly. "Let them go on eating people, or let them be killed.

"I'm having enough trouble living with myself for the one I picked - but I'd have more trouble if I picked the other one."

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